In brief
- Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for one’s rights with confidence and dignity, without disregarding the rights of others.
- It is a middle ground between passive behaviour (giving in and remaining silent) and aggressive (exerting pressure and causing offence).
- Assertiveness comprises three skills: expressing feelings, openly stating opinions, and defending one’s rights.
- It can be practised: assertiveness training has a strong evidence base, and both too little and too much assertiveness are equally detrimental to a leader.
- On this page: a table of the three styles, a mini-test with a score, the ‘I-message’ formula and ready-made phrases for 10 work situations
What is assertiveness in simple terms
Assertiveness (English: assertiveness) is a person’s ability to stand up for their rights with confidence and dignity, whilst respecting the rights of others. Assertive behaviour is defined as direct, open behaviour that is not intended to cause harm to others. This definition is taken from the Ukrainian academic publication ‘Differential Criteria of Assertive Behaviour’.
The word is borrowed from English: the verb assert means ‘to stand one’s ground, to defend one’s rights’. The Psychological Counselling Service at the University of New Hampshire (UNH) describes assertive behaviour in three steps: you express your feelings, ask for what you want, and say ‘no’ to what you do not want.
Assertive communication is a style of communication in which a person directly expresses their feelings and needs whilst maintaining respect for the other person. UNH clarifies: you should stand up for your rights in a non-threatening, direct and clear manner.
Assertiveness is not selfishness. The publisher of the classic book *Your Perfect Right* explicitly states that this is not a ‘me-first’ approach, but rather assertiveness in equal relationships — an alternative to powerlessness or manipulation.
Assertive, passive and aggressive behaviour: the differences in a table
Assertive behaviour is described as the middle of a continuum: insecure (passive) — confident (assertive) — aggressive. Assertiveness focuses on compromise and cooperation as the main strategies for interaction.
| Characteristic | Passive | Assertive | Aggressive |
| Whose interests are the focus | Others’: the person sacrifices their own interests for the sake of others | Both parties’: their own rights without disregarding the rights of others | Their own: others’ rights are ignored |
| Emotions | Suppressed | Expressed directly and calmly | Erupt — ranging from verbal abuse to physical aggression |
| The aim of the conversation | To avoid conflict | Compromise and cooperation | To win |
| How a request sounds | A hint or silence | A specific request | A demand or a reproach |
| Typical phrase | ‘Never mind, I’ll manage on my own’ | ‘I need…, can we…?’ | ‘You’ve ruined everything again’ |
Sometimes a fourth style is identified separately — passive-aggressive, where dissatisfaction is not expressed directly but shown indirectly. In the classic model, there are three styles, and the following discussion focuses specifically on them.
Insecurity also takes various forms:
In the case of situational insecurity, a person feels anxiety and guilt only in certain situations — for example, when speaking to a manager.
In the case of general insecurity, indecisiveness becomes a stable character trait.
What assertiveness consists of
According to the model developed by psychologists S. Stein and G. Book (in their book *The EQ Edge*), assertiveness consists of three components:
The ability to express feelings — including anger, without causing offence.
The ability to openly express beliefs and opinions — not to succumb to pressure and to maintain a clear stance.
The ability to defend one’s personal rights — not allowing others to take advantage of you.
In Stein and Book’s model, assertiveness is one of the components of emotional intelligence. In other words, it is not synonymous with self-confidence, but a distinct skill that can be developed.
The origins of assertiveness: a brief history
| Year | Event |
| 1949 | Andrew Salter publishes ‘Conditioned Reflex Therapy’. He is considered the father of assertiveness training. |
| 1958 | Joseph Wolpe develops the idea in his book *Psychotherapy by Reciprocal Inhibition*. |
| 1970 | R. Alberti and Michael Emmons publish *Your Perfect Right*. |
| 1973 | Rathus publishes the Rathus Assertiveness Schedule questionnaire. |
| 1975 | Manuel Smith publishes *When I Say No, I Feel Guilty*, featuring ‘broken record’ techniques and others. |
| Mid-1990s | The term becomes more widely used in psychological circles following the publication of V. Capponi and T. Novak’s book *How to Do Things Your Way*. |
Sources differ regarding the dates. The journal of the Association for Psychological Science (APS Observer) cites the 1949 book as Salter’s first work. A Ukrainian academic publication states that the concept took shape in the late 1950s and early 1960s in Salter’s works; this date is closer to that of Volpe’s book. The primary source supporting 1949 is Salter’s book itself.
Another detail from APS Observer: Salter emphasised ‘I-talk’ (I-talk) years before Fritz Perls highlighted its significance in Gestalt therapy. Following *Conditioned Reflex Therapy*, Salter also published *The Case Against Psychoanalysis* (1952); the APS Observer describes these books as the foundation of behavioural therapy.
Books on assertiveness
‘Your Perfect Right’ (R. Alberti, M. Emmons). The first edition was published in 1970, and the 10th, revised edition is now available. The publisher New Harbinger reports sales of over 1.3 million copies and describes the book as the leading guide to assertiveness.
‘When I Say No, I Feel Guilty’ (Manuel Smith, Bantam Books, 1975). The source of the ‘broken record’, fogging and negative assertion techniques — more on these below.
‘How to Do Things Your Way’ (V. Capponi, T. Novak). A practical guide, following which the term gained widespread popularity in the mid-1990s.
Why assertiveness at work: what the research says
Assertiveness delivers results at work, but the research relates to specific professions — it should not be applied to all employees without qualification.
Negotiations and the price of services. A Ukrainian study by counselling psychologists (Khomych, Vins, the journal ‘Mental Health’, No. 4, 2025) showed that a low level of assertiveness leads to difficulties in determining the cost of services, self-presentation, conducting negotiations and a reliance on external evaluations. The authors also found a direct link between assertiveness and the development of a client base.
Public speaking. In a study by N. Podolyak (2021), people with high assertiveness were characterised by an absence of emotional barriers to communication and barriers to public speaking.
Stress and communication. A systematic review in nursing (Nursing Reports, 2025) selected 15 studies from 9,490 identified and concluded that assertiveness improves communication and reduces stress. In one of the included studies, 77.6 per cent of participants exhibited high assertiveness. The authors of the review recommend that the effectiveness of training in different cultural contexts be examined separately; therefore, it is too early to apply the findings directly to Ukrainian teams.
The courage to talk about mistakes. According to a meta-analysis of 9 studies involving 804 participants, following assertive communication training, the proportion of nurses who spoke about medical errors rose from 38 per cent to 78 per cent. The effect size was SMD 0.58 (95% CI 0.14–1.03): the effect is moderate, and the wide confidence interval suggests that the exact magnitude of the effect has not yet been determined.
When assertiveness goes too far: a risk for leaders
More is not always better. Ames (Ames) and Flynn (Flynn) (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2007, vol. 92, pp. 307–324) demonstrated a curvilinear relationship across three studies. Both people with noticeably low assertiveness and those with high assertiveness are generally rated by their peers as less effective leaders.
The reasons vary:
high assertiveness damages relationships with the team;
low assertiveness hinders the achievement of goals.
For a manager, this means two separate checks:
Do you set goals and requirements directly, or do you hope the team will figure it out for themselves?
Is there room in the conversation for subordinates to voice objections, or does the decision always sound like an order?
The first question concerns a lack of assertiveness, the second — an excess of it.
What this means for you: the aim is not to ‘push harder’, but to find a middle ground. If, after the conversation, you’ve achieved your goal but your colleague has stopped cooperating with you, that’s already a shift towards aggression.
Assertiveness training is a communication skill, not a form of therapy. If insecurity, anxiety or guilt are constantly getting in the way of your life and work, consult a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Mini-test: what is your behavioural style
This is not a diagnostic test, but a quick self-assessment. The best-known scientific questionnaire is the Rathus Assertiveness Schedule (1973), which contains 30 statements. This is a self-report: you assess for yourself how well each statement describes you, so the result depends on the honesty of your answers. Our test is shorter and designed for self-analysis.
Read the 9 situations and choose the option that best matches your usual reaction:
A colleague asks you to take on their task, but you have a deadline.
A — I agree and work late into the night.
B — I say I can’t do it right now and suggest another time.
C — I say irritably that I’ve got plenty on my plate.
At a meeting, your idea is passed off as someone else’s.
A — I say nothing.
B — I calmly point out that I suggested this earlier and propose discussing the details.
C — I publicly accuse my colleague.
The recruiter asks about my expected salary.
A — I say, ‘Whatever you’re offering’.
B — I quote a figure and explain what it’s based on.
C — I issue an ultimatum.
The manager gives a vague task.
A — I do it as I understand it and hope for the best.
B — I ask for clarification on exactly what is expected.
C — I say that tasks cannot be set in this way.
You have received critical feedback.
A — I agree with everything, even the things I disagree with.
B — I say thank you, clarify anything I don’t understand and state where I disagree.
C — I argue straight away.
You’re interrupted for the third time.
A — I fall silent.
B — I say: ‘Let me finish my thought.’
C — I raise my voice.
I need help with a problem.
A — I don’t ask, so as not to bother them.
B — I ask for specifics: what exactly and by when.
C — I demand it, because ‘it’s their job anyway’.
You’re being offered overtime on a day off.
A — I agree, even though I have plans.
B — I refuse or set out the conditions under which I would agree.
C — I refuse, expressing my disapproval.
A colleague is constantly late for joint meetings.
A — I put up with it.
B — I point out the fact and ask them to arrive on time.
C — I make a remark in front of everyone.
Tally
Count which letters you have more of:
Mostly A — a tendency towards a passive style. Start with specific requests and brief refusals — see the examples below.
Mostly B — an assertive style. Check that you aren’t going to the extremes described by Ames and Flynn.
Mostly C — a tendency towards an aggressive style. Try replacing accusations with facts and ‘I-messages’.
Equal or mixed — your style depends on the situation. Look at the specific points where you chose A or B: these are your areas for practice.
The ‘I-message’ formula
UNH advises speaking in the first person: taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and needs, rather than judging the other person. Psychologist Marina Vilshanska suggests the following formula:
What happened — a fact without judgement.
My feelings and needs — expressed using ‘I’.
The other person’s feelings and needs — acknowledging them.
A request or decision — a specific action.
Example: Instead of a reproach ‘You never tidy our room’, use a request: ‘I’d be grateful if we both tried to keep the room tidy’. The second option states the desired outcome and avoids any aggressive tone.
Ready-made phrases for work situations
These phrases are structured according to the ‘I-message’ formula and UNH guidelines. These are examples that you can adapt to your own situation:
Job interview: questions about weaknesses or sensitive topics:
‘I find it difficult to work with vague tasks, so at the outset I clarify expectations and deadlines. Could you tell me how tasks are set in your team?’
(For information on preparing documents for an interview, see the article ‘Sample CV: how to fill it in + ready-made template’).
Discussing salary:
“Over the past year, I’ve taken on additional responsibilities and completed the projects we agreed on. I’d like to discuss a review of my salary. When would it be convenient for us to meet?”
Declining a colleague’s request:
“I understand you need to get this done by the end of the week. I can’t take on this task right now: I have my own deadline. I can help on Monday or suggest someone who’s done something similar before.”
Feedback to a manager:
“It’s important to me to deliver high-quality work on time. When a task arrives on Friday evening with a Monday deadline, I don’t have time to check the result. Can we agree to receive such tasks earlier?”
Stating a fact rather than making an accusation:
“We agreed the report would be due by Wednesday, but I haven’t received it. Could you explain what happened and when I can expect it?”
Working overtime at the weekend:
“I understand the project is urgent. I have plans on Saturday that I can’t reschedule. I’m happy to work longer on Friday or start earlier on Monday — which option is best for the team?”
A request for help:
“I need your help with the calculations for the report: I’m not sure about the formula. Could you spare half an hour this afternoon?”
Disagreement with a decision at a meeting:
“I see it differently: in my opinion, this deadline doesn’t allow enough time for testing. I suggest adding a few more days. If we stick with the current deadline, let’s agree on which checks we’re cutting back on.”
Reaction to criticism:
‘Thank you for speaking so frankly. I agree with your comment regarding the structure and will correct it. As for the conclusions — I see it differently and would like to explain why.”
Checking understanding:
‘Have I understood correctly that what matters most to you is the timeframe, not the scope? In that case, I suggest cutting the second part.’
How to learn assertiveness: exercises and techniques
A Ukrainian study (Khomych and Vins) identifies training, coaching, mentoring and supervision as the most effective ways to develop assertiveness. A review by Speed, Goldstein and Goldfried (2018) confirms that assertiveness training is a valuable tool with a strong evidence base.
Here’s what you can practise on your own:
Exercises from the UNH guidelines
Before the conversation, clearly define for yourself exactly what you want or need.
Speak calmly and be mindful of your tone and volume.
Formulate your requests clearly and specifically.
Listen attentively to the other person until they have finished speaking.
Check your understanding: paraphrase what you have heard in your own words and ask a clarifying question.
Agree to ‘disagree’ if a compromise proves impossible.
Non-verbal assertiveness
Make eye contact, but keep your gaze natural, without appearing watchful.
Maintain an open posture and face the person you are speaking to.
Maintain a comfortable distance without stepping back.
Do not cross your arms or legs — this may be perceived as a defensive stance.
Manuel Smith’s techniques
In his book *When I Say No, I Feel Guilty* (Bantam Books, 1975) Smith described several techniques. The best known of these is ‘the broken record’ (broken record): you calmly repeat your position without getting drawn into an argument. The book also outlines the techniques of fogging and negative assertion.
The ‘broken record’ technique in practice:
— I realise this is urgent. I can’t take on a new assignment this week.
— Yes, I can see there’s no one else available. But I can’t take on a new assignment this week.
Assertiveness and job hunting with Injobe
Assertiveness is most needed when you have to talk about yourself: at a job interview, or when negotiating terms and salary. Browse current vacancies on Injobe and practise the phrases from this article before your interview. If you’re interested in working with people, take a look at the ‘Recruitment, HR’ section.
Why it’s hard to say no
Psychologists highlight the main reasons: an inability to set personal boundaries, issues with self-esteem, fear of rejection, shame and the pressure of social stereotypes. Furthermore, aggressive or passive behaviour is usually linked to a loss of self-esteem.
A common trap — is to regard any refusal as rudeness. However, UNH experts emphasise quite clearly: you have every right to say ‘no’, and the ability to set limits on demands for your time, commitment and energy is an important life skill. A refusal becomes aggressive not because of the word ‘no’ itself, but because of the tone, reproach or accusation. A calm ‘no’ accompanied by an explanation of the reasons and, if possible, an alternative suggestion — that is what assertiveness looks like.
